Betrayed...but not broken

New to this, bear with me...but I feel that so many woman are sitting at home crying by themselves and going through the same thing as me. Or maybe your sitting on the internet dealing with the same thing as my husband.

I wanted to blog a bit about what's been happening in the past 24 hours in my house. But first....some background story without going into huge details.

In April of 2008 I returned home from a trip with my kids to florida to find out that my husband had betrayed me...our marriage....broken my trust. Now whatever you take that infidelity for is your own decision....truly it's not important....the long and short of it is that he betrayed me and it nearly killed me. We struggled for weeks. Not speaking, thinking about divorce, falling into a deep depression....when eventually God placed a couple in our lives who had gone through the same thing. They prayed over us, fervently. We went through a prayer session that cleansed us from all sins, specifically sins that pushed my husband into what he did. We learned alot about spirits and the devil and how he was attacking us. We also learnt that we weren't the first Christian couple to go through this....and unfortunately we wouldn't be the last.

This situation was one of the top reasons that we decided to pick up, pack up and move three hours away from our family. We felt that God was calling us to be secluded....in order to force us to focus on each other, on building our marriage back together.

Every since we moved God has begun an amazing work in my life specifically. I have made it my concious decision to be a Proverbs 31 woman:

10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.12She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.13She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.14She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.15She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.16She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.17She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.18She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.19She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.20She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.21She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.22She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.23Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.24She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.26She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.27She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.28Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:29"Many women have doneexcellently, but you surpass them all."30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

I have experienced a prayer life that I've never had my entire Christian life - which equates to my entire life. And I trusted Chris...I had fallen in love with him all over again. It was like we were dating. I began to see a change in him. Until about 2 weeks ago. He began to pull away, especially in church. And he confessed to me that he was being tempted at every chance to fall back into sin. I began praying....I had friends praying. For strength, for peace, for trust.

It was just yesterday morning that I went out with a friend and was telling her our story, at how God had brought us through this time and we were going to be all right......little did I know that while I was saying those words, speaking highly of my husband.....that he was sitting at home falling right back into sin. I came home from choir last nite to discover it....it cut like a knife, straight through to my heart - destroying my trust, making me feel worthless, ugly, not good enough - all over again.

But this time was different and it can only be GOD! The last time I found out of his infidelity I went straight to the divorce sites online...how to get one, what to do afterwards. This time I found myself looking for scriptures, prayers, answers. I find myself praying in between the sobs instead of cursing him. I'm cooking dinner instead of throwing his clothes on the front lawn (yes...I actually did that).

So....why am I blogging about this? Something so private and still somewhat so vague. For three reasons I guess. 1) To ask for prayer from those believers who may read this. Pray that the Lord will restore my marriage, that He would guide my words and actions, that He would pour down a GODLY sorrow on my husband like he's never felt before. That this time would be my husband's breaking point...so that he can only come back to me and back to God. 2) To vent...to get it out I guess. Letting it boil up inside didn't help any last time, and since as I stated before only one person reads this (hey katie) it seemed like the perfect place to let my feelings out. 3) And finally, and probably most importantly...I'm writting this on the off chance that someone who is going through the same thing...who thinks they're alone, who feels like it's only happening to them, who doesn't have the same hope and faith that I have, will read this, contact me and be helped and find the only way out....UP!

I heard it said somewhere that the only way past something is through it. Well, we are going through it. Even though I had thought that we were done and on the other side. Only this time, it's not hopeless, I know there is a light at the end of this. Now, on the other hand he's at work. It's easy to say this when he's not sitting across the table. I'm sure when he gets home frmo work I will cry and maybe even yell a little....but I will survive. I've been betrayed by my husband, but this time....I will not let HIS sin break me. I will support him, I will do my best to love him through this....and I will pray and I ask you to do the same....

I think I'll be writting quite a bit over the next few days.......stay tuned!